image1 image2 image3 image4

Welcome to Blushes nd Brushes|Beauty product reviews|Makeup|Hauls

My journey to self love: dealing with self hate (part 2)


I have taken long to write the part 2 to this post because I honestly didn't know what to write. I have been trying to pick and choose the right words to use but I don't have them. So I am just going to be as honest as I was in my last post and hopefully, it all makes sense at the end.

This post will be showing how I unlearned how to hate myself.

As I mentioned in my first post (make sure you read the first post o), I grew indifferent about my self image. I decided I will not please anyone with my looks and so I was ready to oppose or have a wise answer to anyone who had anything to say about my weight or looks generally. Looking back now, I realize it was just a coping mechanism because I still didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. I still needed human validation and reassurance about my looks. Ironically, even when people told me I was beautiful, I didn't wholly believe them, I just didn't feel beautiful on the inside.

My one of first steps to self love was probably when I went to makeup school in 2013, weird right? Before then, I will just slap on black eyeshadow with my finger and wear a nude pink lipstick with mascara but I would feel more beautiful instantly. Undergoing proper training, I got to play with makeup alot and I felt beautiful everytime I wore makeup. I loved the person I saw in the mirror. It wasn't that makeup was a mask for me, it just helped me see beyond all my flaws and "defects". It helped me see that my imperfections did not define me. I felt even more beautiful when I got to work on clients and made them see beyond their physical imperfections.

Sometime in 2014 (this was like my cutest picture back then lol) 

Another thing that greatly helped me was surrounding myself with the right people. People who spoke positively and with grace. My friends never made me feel like the "duff". They just made me feel regular and normal. They showered me with compliments even when I didn't believe it until I started to believe them.

I also started speaking positively towards myself. My close friends know that sometimes I can pause in the middle of a conversation and say something corny like "But do you know I am a fine girl?". It's funny but speaking such words about myself and showering myself with compliments helped boost my self confidence.

100 level me

Related: Why I love my bare (no-makeup) face 

I also accepted that I come from a family of big people. I am one of the shortest persons in my family but most of them are tall and big boned therefore no one is skinny per se. Therefore striving to be skinny was impractical. Besides I always joke that my head is too big for a skinny body. Instead of trying to be skinny, I decided to be healthy. I don't eat junk food alot anyways so I reduced my intake of carbonated drinks especially (I loved Malt drinks so much) and bread. I also started jogging/walking for like 20 minutes in the mornings, 3-4 times a week. I do this because I need to be healthy ( P. S I haven't jogged since February I think, law school is taking up all my strength right now). I think everybody needs physical exercise, including skinny people.
March 3, 2018 

Most importantly, I found my identity in Christ. When I started seeing scriptures that explained God's overwhelming and reckless love for me, I was simply in awe. I was listening to a Spoken word piece by Jefferson Bethke and he said something like "How dare you call the creation ugly when the Creator has said He made everything beautiful". That line has stuck with me through the years. God, My Abba, the Creator of the Universe and all within it created ME and has called me BEAUTIFUL. How can I even dare to call and see myself as anything less than BEAUTIFUL? That understanding has helped me walk through the many years of self resentment and low self esteem. See, I am the Daughter of The King, I am actually of a Royal Priesthood and no voice in my head can tell me differently. No voice outside my body can tell me otherwise either.

June 3, 2018

I am still have acne and acne scars on my face and body, stretch marks here and there, I have a muffin top, I am currently interceding for my edges to grow (join me to pray abeg) and I might weigh a little more than I should but no man or woman loves me more than I love myself. My love for myself ultimately stems from God's love for me and nothing else.

Related: Many people go through self hate especially as teens. Read some of their stories here

People have asked me why I am so confident and people have approached me to say they love my self confidence and I just smile and say "It's God o" or "Thank God" because honestly, it's His work in me and not mine. Left to me, I might be bulimic and so depressed, maybe contemplating suicide.


So that's my story, that's my journey through self hate to self love that stems from Abba's love for me. Thanks for reading.

How did you arrive at self love? Are you still on your way to loving yourself completely? Share your story in the comment section.

See you in my next post. Xoxo. God bless.


Share this:

CONVERSATION

3 comments:

  1. Nice one, Miss. I'm getting to know you better but one thing I've known since is that your head is really too big for a skinny person! You know how often I tell you that I love your relationship with God, right? I mean it. Don't worry, I'll pray for those your edges, too, OK?

    ReplyDelete
  2. God will continue to empower you SIKE, God bless you.

    ReplyDelete